In my line of work, I spend a lot of time in my car driving. I don’t think the novelty of driving ever left me if I am to be honest.
I can remember at 17, passing my driving test and this incredible sense of independence overwhelmed me. I don’t think that, has actually ever left. Those that know me well enough, will know that I would rather drive than take any other means of transportation. It probably because I like to be in control also.
13 years on and i have become very intuitive to other people’s driving ability, well, lack of ability, is perhaps a more fitting description.
Every morning on the way to work, you can guarantee the following:
That person(s), infact let’s just assume it’s always plural, there are too many drivers with bad habits, that will cut you off. I mean really, you scored a whole car length position ahead of me. Surely they know just how arduously shit this commute is, why the need to further everyone else’s troubles? It’s even worse when they have to practically queue to cut you off. It’s like being given the finger and then having to stand there with it, until the traffic starts to flow. It aggravates me when they give that pathetic wave two or three times, Jesus Chad we get it, you are ‘sorry’, or maybe he is just really grateful? Pathetic. Chad needs to own this, if he wants to be an asshole at least commit to it, go the whole hog, give me the Vs or laugh at me with blind arrogance, don’t be pathetic. If you are like me, when you eventually over take them, because you always will, these pricks will cut you up but happily drive at 4 miles below the speed limit, then you will try to stare at them when you pass them or at least let them know you are passing them.
Fuck you chad, worth cutting me up? Eat my dust.
You learn to live with those types of people, you can almost tell when it’s going to happen. What I can’t learn to accept is people who don’t indicate. I mean honestly, what is that about?
Don’t you beep me Sharon, you didn’t even indicate, shall I use my fucking psychic ability to know where you are going.
I genuinely hope they crash in to me on a roundabout, when they take their third exit but haven’t indicated at any point, so that I can have a full on, quantifiable, unquestionable reason, to explain to them why they are a complete and utter c**t!
Forgive my stark tone, it’s just something I feel passionate about!
Now if you have ever driven on the M62, the M6, M25, M40 or in fact any major motorway in the UK, you will (or should be), familiar with, “smart motorways”, which basically have a sole purpose to remove what ever joy you had in driving, out of you. I mean honestly, 50 mph average speed limit. I can’t take the anxiety of me second guessing my average speed limit. 53?? Is that 53?? Is it 52?? Christ, slow down, I don’t want the points or the fine. Not to mention, you have to drive safely, you don’t want to crash in to any of the contractors working on the road, i mean I haven’t actually ever seen one working, ever but apparently they are real. Just like I haven’t actually seen Santa Claus but he’s real, right?
I mean, if the “Smart Motorway” developments didn’t ruin your morning you can certainly count on the pricks that drive really close to your rear. Jesus, I have unprecedented levels of anxiety.
I have to balance driving within the speed limit, over taking the car that thinks 47 in the middle lane is acceptable and the penis that clearly doesn’t accept the speed limit. My forehead has more sweat on it then than the one time I went to a gym.
Now who could possibly forget, “The Lane Hoggers”.
There are two types of Lane Hoggers, there are the, ‘drive exactly 70 or slower’ in the middle lane and then those that drive in the right hand lane. If you are reading this and you are confused then please, for the safety of the rest of us, ask a loved one to explain this before you ever drive a vehicle of any kind again.
It’s bad enough there are bellends that undertake in general, don’t actively encourage people too as well. I mean how long honestly will any of us sit in the fast lane, driving at 70, whilst the middle and left lane are clear before we make the move?
I don’t want to hear anybody say that 70 is the limit, I know that, but you have to be sensible about this, not everyone will adhere to it, so it is not safe to provoke them.
This isn’t a confession by the way, merely an observation!
If your commit is mainly M62 Eastbound like mine, ergo, Liverpool to Manchester, here’s a few tips if you are travelling at peak, or aiming for peak traffic time.
When you approach the “bottle neck”, when the M62 reduces from three lanes, to two, you have one of two options to get passed it as quickly as possible.
First tip, always sit in the left hand lane. This lane, despite having lorries in it, will always get through quicker.
Second tip, if it is not too much of a detour, take the M6 southbound and come off at the first possible junction, head via Irlam to the M60, even if you need M60 clockwise, depending how bad that bottleneck is, could still be quicker.
The east lancs is never quicker.
Final tip, set off a lot earlier. The traffic almost comes out of nowhere, so if you haven’t hit that bottleneck by 7:20, you aren’t avoiding that traffic!
In general I have a couple of coping mechanisms with heavy traffic/commuting. I am either on the phone or I am singing my heart out! The amount of times I have been caugh belting out a verse from The Courteeners – Not Nineteen Forever is more than I care to admit !
So please, I reach out to you all, don’t be a penis, drive with respect!
Remember I told you I love hats…? Just don’t ask…