Tips for modern dating…
Dont do it.
Its 2018. Just identify as being in a relationship with someone you really like. Me and Jorgie Porter have been going strong for a few years now and I think she could be the one, not sure she knows it yet but I’m playing it cool. Only liking 75% of her insta posts, keep her guessing you know?
Well actually, if like my newly single friend, you won’t know…Welcome to Modern Dating.
My inspiration goes out to this good friend of mine. She’s newly come on the market after 6 years and boy has it all changed!
Now before I delve in to my own personal advice and tips on how to circumnavigate this labyrinth of life, I feel a bit of background is needed.
The World Wide Web has evolved at such a pace, in that time that I expect anyone over a certain age to struggle to keep up to date. Fortunately, having been single for most of that, it left me with plenty of time to be addicted to my phone and absorb everything, to the extent I understand Meme jokes within meme jokes. Which, if you don’t know what they are, well thats a different conversation!
So where to begin, well lets begin with Tinder.
I feel like Tinder was the catalyst, the birth place of where online dating went wrong. Tinder is a popular social dating app and I can remember its very early days, I was newly single and it wasn’t a big hit. Barely anyone used it. That’s right, I’m a Tinder Day 1. (That can go on my CV right?!)
These days you have Tinder, Bumble, Happn, POF and a fairly new one, Hinge. Thats excluding the more traditional dating sites like match.com, eHarmony and so on!
I have tried and tested them all. For a while I thought it was me, shit, maybe it still is me but! I also think there is a deeper issue to hand.
When internet shopping took off, all of a sudden everyone had a phenomenal choice, you didn’t need to drive to the nearest city or major town to buy big brands or go ‘proper shopping’ and make a day of it.
Now I can burn through my credit card sat in my sweats, in my bed with chocolate ice cream down me and not even break a sweat. Imagine living in a city like I do and going out for food, well where do you decide? There is so much choice! This for me, is a bit like online dating!
Everyone surely can relate to spending more time deciding what to watch on Netflix than the time spent actually watching Netflix, this is a prime example of online dating!
This, is undoubtedly to me, what is happening now. Nobody knows what they want, happy to swipe but not commit to anything. Constantly wondering if they are a swipe away from their future partner but is the next swipe going to be better? It’s the ‘Grass is greener’ tactic.
Now don’t get me twisted, i don’t want to come across bitter or jealous, its just the modern world we live in, take it or leave it or at least how I see it! I know it has worked for many and that genuinely makes me happy but I think that it works for a much smaller population of us.
For me, I’m trying to do it the old fashioned way, go out and meet people but I need to ease on the doubles, as no girl is in to a dude at 5am asking them why nobody loves them balling their eyes out. Which, obviously I have never done.
The other issue we have, is Nobody has a fucking clue what they want, nobody wants to commit, is there something better? are they the one? Is this exactly what I’m looking for? Am I looking for anything? Is this fair on them if I am not sure? And then panic panic panic panic, abort mission, abort, I repeat abort.
If you are reading this and we have been on a date, then I must apologise, I am also guilty and part of the problem. I in fact have no idea what it is I am looking for, I have been on dates with some incredible ladies; smart, attractive, funny, kind, you name it and unfortunately, I just felt something was missing. Am I seeking something that doesn’t exist or is it in fact that I have been on so many dates I know exactly what it is I want?
Was something missing or was this just my high walls and uncertainty tricking me? Not sure and you aren’t here to council me, I digress.
So how do I think you should approach modern dating?
I think try everything, try any of the dating apps, go out and meet new people. Try to make an effort to approach new people. Be open minded to all possibilities in and out of your comfort zone. Try new hobbies, just expose yourself to as many networking opportunities, as you feel comfortable with. I’m not massively convinced if you don’t look for it you will find it. I’m fairly certain my future wife isn’t going to waltz in to my apartment and introduce herself to me !
Don’t be afraid of rejection. Rejection is a huge unavoidable part of dating. Not everyone you like is going to like you. I know unbelievably attractive people who struggle with dating, so I don’t want anyone sitting there and thinking that its the aesthetics that are the issue. Relationships, especially with the right people Is so much more. Now obviously you need a spark, just like you need to, fancy one another but once that box is ticked, there is much more to it! Rejection though will come in many different forms, don’t feel the need to change who you are, what you like or even be shy about what you consider ‘guilty pleasures’. In Liverpool it is a cardinal sin to vote conservative! Can you imagine that, someone not wanting to date you because of who you vote for? Like there aren’t enough boxes to tick without something as trivial !
When it comes to online dating, rejection is almost immediately at your doorstep and you might not even realise it!
I believe that there are three tiers to rejection.
Depending on your age will probably determine what tier of rejection you are used to. For me tier 1 and 2 are types of rejection I have grown accustom with the third something I learnt to deal with much younger.
Online dating apps will tell you if someone likes you before you even start swiping!
Tinder and bumble as an example, tee you up for a fall. Depending on your mindset I guess but when you go on these apps, they will tell you someone has swiped left, even if they don’t tell you who it is
This is tier 1. You have been rejected before you even have a chance to decide if it is reciprocal. Not the end of the world but I think the feature takes away any excitement and mystery!
The second tier is swiping right on someone and then that’s the last you see of them, as they swiped left.
Now tier 1 and 2 aren’t exclusive, they happen to everyone! There is not one person on these apps who everyone wants to date or fancy, it’s just part of how online dating has evolved. This is a product of my point about too much choice. We have evolved to instinctively reject most people.
Now tier 3 is something everyone has to deal with and I feel is a fairly normal and healthy part of rejection, speaking/dating someone and it not working out, it not progressing. I think a small part of life should include rejection so everyone can learn how to self heal and move on. For me, it’s a form of character building
I also think we have all become not as approachable and that people go online to dating not go out to date. When I am out with my friends I rarely approach a girl any more and I think if I did it might even be not so much the done thing. The mindset of when I want to date I will go online, much like when I’m hungry I will order a takeout on JustEat.
(Probably should stop referring to food so much! Haha)
Top Tip: Its better when your Instagram is linked to any of the dating websites, it gives the person checking you out a bigger spectrum of photos to check out if they like on top of the limited 4 – 6 you get, depending on what app you use. This can help prevent any false starts or potential ghosters. This will significantly cut down time wasters.
Hot potato: Ghosting!
For those that don’t know, it is someone who will just stop texting you and you’ll never hear from them again. I wish I could say I hadn’t ghosted someone but I have and I have also been ghosted. If I ghosted you, honestly, I am sorry!
Its not pleasant but sometimes being honest isn’t pleasant either. I think its better to just be upfront about stuff so that the other person knows where they stand, regardless if they like your decision.
My friend, has had one or two non starters where they had a bit of chat and arranged to go for a date, then nothing, she has been ghosted. You can’t take this personally and there isn’t always an answer to why it happens. It’s a cheap and easy solution, not a good solution.
I told her when texting, the main thing you can’t do is be too keen. In the past I have been really guilty of this, I’m an emotional guy, I get excited, I’m passionate and quite intense. This approach has never worked for me, well, maybe 10 years ago it did but doesn’t now.
it’s a tough one to get right because in my mind, if you like someone, you like them, why not tell them? Patience is essential. (Unfortunately)
This used to frustrate me when you hear people complaining that nobody makes an effort any more. So, patience is key here. If anything, it starts off a bit of a game, like chess. Don’t text back to quick, don’t be too slow, keep calm, collected and I guess only show 40% of interest. Which is enough to be taken seriously but not enough to think they need to file a restraining order. Personally, I hate all this, maybe its because of how old I have got (31 if you are wondering). I miss calling landlines and nervously trying to be polite to their Mum or Dad ha!
The days of the nervous, excited, gleeful, puppy dog eyed approach are over. Its almost as if we want the best of both worlds. The perfect person, to be super interested but we don’t know they are super interested. You have to pretend to be not interested, so that the person you are interested in, will become interested in you.
What a mess…
Be selfish. This is important. I will say it again. Be selfish with dating. This doesn’t mean hurt people or be malicious but just do you. Keep going on dates, like I said, you will find out what you don’t like and the idea is to end up with something you do want. Become a serial dater, check out some new restaurants, have fun with it. Try and enjoy it. With this you get the best of both worlds, you get to decide if you want to go out for food and try somewhere new or if you want to try a new bar and at the same time meet some one new. Make it work around you!
I find the best time of the week to go on a date is a Thursday. Its almost the weekend, most people are in good moods and the likely hood of you getting shitfaced is slim, so you can actually engage in conversation and find out if you do want to see them again. I usually know within about five seconds but its always good to come away from a first date having not made any rash decisions to see if you do like them or not, which kind of brings me on to a bit of a hot potato.
Bad boys are out of fashion
Get yourself someone who treats you right. Get the boy you deserve!
I understand this mentality, it’s almost wanting what you can’t have with a sprinkle of ‘climbing Everest’ but just know this is not healthy! It’s chasing something that doesn’t exist ! It only ends one way! All lads/girls im sure at some point have been that dick head or treat a someone in a way they look back and regret. However I do believe, everyone has the potential to become that person that treats you right and is the person you deserve. Do not settle. Under no circumstances are you to negotiate with yourself on this, life is to short to spend it with someone you settled on.
Watch out for those ‘fuckboys/girls (fuckpeople?)
Online dating bio:
This is a tricky one! I have tried various techniques and I’m still unsure as to what’s the best approach !
I tried a few funny ones and I tried the serious ones, I think this comes down to personal choice but keep it light, nobody wants your life story or at least not yet. Song and verse will not be read. Put something in, install a bit of confidence you are taking the online dating at least a little bit serious and also that you aren’t a fake profile!
On the topic of dating bios, I do have one particular issue I don’t have an answer for.
If you put your snapchat / insta tag in, does it make it weird if I follow/add you? What if I try to engage in conversation?! Is this the norm? I remember when Facebook came around there was once a time it was socially acceptable to add people and then message them but then out of the blue that was a No No and I never got that memo in a timely manner.
I think the rule should be if it’s in there it’s okay to be DM’d, especially if your account is private and you accept but then I guess you have to make sure your opening line is a good one.
“Hi I saw you on tinder and thought you was hot so here I am messaging you on a wing and a prayer and please love me” probably won’t cut it.
If you solve this contentious issue, message me immediately.
It annoys me how judgemental people can be with this topic. If you have sex on every first date, or don’t have sex on any, is none of my or anyone else business and doesn’t mean anything. So if you want to date and have some fun with it do it. Just be careful of potentially sleeping with someone and then there is no follow up date. Its harder not to take this personal.
This doesn’t mean the person just wanted to have sex with you, it might just mean you had a really good night, there was probably alcohol involved and one thing led to another. On that basis doesn’t mean there could be a future together, so if this does happen just put it down to a good night.
Also, use protection!
Manage your own expectations on what you want to achieve out of dating, if you want achieve anything at all!
What to say?
The above are some extracts I got from a ‘bad dating profile’ Facebook page which is hilarious.
It also highlights the fact that Good chat is required. You are embarking on endless journey of, “Hi, how are you?”. It’s tough.
It’s really quite difficult to break the ice, which is especially hard if there isn’t anything in the profile bio, give people something to work with! Mix it up and maybe throw in the classic how much does a polar bear weigh?
Both people have to at least try! I miss the days of phone calls haha
Dating isn’t easy but it can be fun. It’s not all doom and gloom if you manage your expectations. I’m not saying you will meet your life partner online or not I’m just preparing you for what’s a head with a few tips I have picked up along the way.
- Enjoy Dating
- Making an effort with the chat
- Don’t take it personally, Rejection happens to us all.
- Ghosting is a thing, it will happen.
- Nobody has a clue what they want
- Don’t Panic
- Find a balance of showing interest whilst not being too keen.
- Its okay to have fun
- Don’t get drunk and cry
- Vote for Jack & Danni
- Nobody can decide where to eat or what to watch on Netflix
If anyone wants to have a chat or any further advice, feel free to message me. My opinions, thoughts and all my content is from experience, observation and interpretation. Modern dating can be quite shit but if you understand what it is, how it works and how to make it work for you it can be quite fun. You might meet the love of your life on date 1 or it might be date 9888.
And finally to my mate who is lost in the new world of dating, don’t worry about a thing, everything’s going to be okay, just remember it’s terrible for the rest of us too! X
As always, Big Love
Read more "Tips for Modern Dating (Don’t bother)"