It’s a Trap!


It’s time we address the elephant in the room, adulthood. Life’s never ending joke which ultimately, is a trap!

I wasn’t prepared for this. 

I was fortunate enough to have a good up bringing. I was well provided for and my parents drilled it in to me and my sister how to be good human beings but one thing my parents didn’t prepare me for, was growing up. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I would still make some really poor decisions even if they had of prepared me for adulthood, such as ordering Jaegerbombs, being up in my top 5 consistent poor life choices!

In fact, on the last night out I went on, I decided to try and befriend ducks at 7am on the way home, perhaps I should share this clip with the next relative to enquire about children? Maybe then they would not be so eager for me to reproduce, probably at all?!

However, I feel that what my life really lacks is how to Adult. It’s a lot of 2 steps forward, 20 paces back and a fall in to a pond.  

Having a career is great and being successful in one, I think comes down to how much you put in to it, the same as anything. Having to take on responsibilities however, well that’s a completely different challenge in itself.

When you are young, all through education you are taught what’s considered ‘core subjects’, such as Maths, English and Science. To be fair to my Maths teachers, I often use algebra on a day to day basis, let me demonstrate;

Let X = my bank account, A = how much income I have and B = the total amount of things I shouldn’t spend money on, solve the following:

X = -A + B^7

If you are wondering what the answer is, let me make it simple, X is fcked, that’s what X is!

Now English has always come in handy, I am constantly using verbs, such as;

Alex ran away from his responsibilities 

Or 

Alex always seemed to think he knew how to adult.

English was so useful for me that I actually had to google verb, noun and Adjective.

Does that say more about the retention of my learning or the capacity to retain knowledge as I have aged??

Bry did not feel as clever as this squirrel having to google Adjectives!

Science has always captivated my knowledge and in fairness, I did study in a heavily predominated Science and Maths course, so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining.
My point, which if you know me, is never so forthcoming, is that myself and my classmates were never taught any life lessons in schools growing up. 

I mean, sex Ed I guess but there acquatences of my past who would argue I didn’t learn a thing.

Now we all have to step foot in the so called real world sooner or later, you can only put it off for so long and boy did I try, 5 years of Uni and the kidney pains to prove it!

Before you can enter the world of work, you have to actually find employment, which is an absolute nightmare, for me at least.

Casting my mind back to the experience (which I have since tried to forget), I recall it very similar to looking for a needle in a haystack. Except the needle is another haystack, which is on fire, on the other side of a crocodile filled swap. 

Which to be fair looking back, was to be expected. My suit was baggy, my punctuality poor, practically still a student and hadn’t learnt the difference between confidence and arrogance.  

I had no work experience, no experience on finding work and the idea of commuting more than a 10 minute walk seemed bonkers. Really, what I should of been taught was, look for a job in advanced before Uni finishes and  take what ever job you can!

“You need work experience to gain work experience”

When I eventually stepped foot in to the world of work, I discovered lots of things about it and myself very quickly…

I discovered there was a 7am, eventually discovering a 6am. I learnt I was not particularly good at getting up at those times, or any times! I learnt that my degree meant absolutely nothing to anybody employing me, it was a mere ticket to employment and after that, was some what redundant. I found out I not only love coffee but without it I would probably not survive a single day.  I learnt that people I worked with would volunteer there opinion on things that did not solicite them, frequently, and that I actually didn’t really like people.

It was a lot to overcome but I, as we all do sooner or later, over came it.

As I managed to learn the basics of work, such as punctuality, which was significant to keeping hold of a job and not something you disrespected, like of course in Uni, I embarked on the next wave of issues in adulthood such as tax, paying rent, paying bills, ‘managing’ my income, trying to have a social life and finding time to get enough sleep. Which was never. 

I discovered that what I thought I had earned was in fact a lie, that I had money taken off me, to fund the world I live in. It’s something I initially did not feel happy about but later came to appreciate, that came when I discovered what it was used for. I also discovered that the myth of never having to pay back your student loan, was actually a myth. 

I think the biggest learning curve was not treating my monthly pay as if it was weekly. 

When I got my pay, it soon went towards rent, bills and all associated costs of living and I soon discovered just how far I could push sel-by dates on food. 

Truth be told, I wish I had been prepared for all of this, that there was some sort of “life lessons” at school. I understand that something’s are more obvious to some than others, such as, don’t get a £4,000 credit card at 25 on a salary that can barely pay for your rent, carbohydrates are apparently bad for you and you shouldn’t be buying rounds of shots for people if you can’t even afford milk 10 days after payday.

All such wonderful life lessons! 

            
Of course, I am now many years down the line. Now I can’t say I have mastered the basics but it’s less about survival, I still have many issues that I wonder how people cope with, getting a mortgage, getting married, having children…oh wait, who am I kidding, I have no experience of any of those, I have those all to come! 

Still, I don’t find my self in the fetal position anymore which is a positive. Got to get those wins as and when you can!
The hard truths I have accepted are, hangovers get worse with age and at 30 they start to double with intensity. The ‘fear’ of what you might of done or said increases and you start making deals with a God you aren’t even sure exists because God still hasn’t let you win the lottery yet. 

“Please God, you can’t let me go another day without a few million in the bank!”

As you get older, relatives start to wonder why you haven’t started a family yet, when the reality is you don’t have the heart to tell them you don’t even know how to change the time clock on your car, let alone raise a child! Think I shall be leaving that kind of pressure to my sister.

Everyone loves animals and as an Adult I don’t have to ask permission to get one but do have to look after it, feed it, walk it…. Oh Christ I can’t even do that for myself, just another one of being an Adults cruel jokes! 

*sobs thinking of all the puppies I wish I could have but don’t want to clean up after*

There are some perks to being an Adult, I can have cereal for Tea without being told off, which lets face it, is only because my mum doesn’t know! I can go to bed whatever time I want, which is why I am always tired and I can chose if I want to go to the Doctors or not, which is never. I can have that 8th can of Lilt and if I want to drink from the Milk carton, I will. 

Which is precisely why being an adult, is a trap! 

Mum, I’m moving home!

X

It was all a show, he didn’t turn up, he didn’t even know how

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