One of my more popular topics of conversation or rants, I should say, is online dating. When I say online dating, I mean any form of dating on any social media platform or online dating platform. Its a nightmare. I shit you not, there are so many complications and pitfalls I am surprised the rate of marriage hasn’t plummeted in the last decade.
So, I am going to do my best to share my trials and tribulations of recent years, give you some, “Dos and Dont’s” but as always, I tend to start talking and it kind of goes on a journey, inevitably it will wonder off the unbeaten path and find its way back some way on.
My first tip, when approaching someone online is to read their bio. This is important! You need to show that you have put some effort in to finding out about them before they inevitably ignore you.
Next Halloween I am going to dress up as a Book because I am always being left on ‘read’.
In this instance my message didn’t get opened. I could of said anything, I could of had my own Zoo with my own Penguins and she will never know, this, is a metaphor for what online dating is.
Be prepared because rejection is common and you can’t let it keep you down. You have to keep plugging away until you start talking to someone and hit it off, even then it still might not go anywhere but nothing ventured is nothing gained. Try not to overthink it.
Online dating is fickle.
Now, if one of your many messages gets a response then try not to explode with excitement. I have learnt (not that I agree), that there are certain rules to this kind of thing and the big one is, don’t be too available.
If you ask me, this is ridiculous, don’t be too available? Well, apparently its a huge turn off, I mean what the actual fuck. Whoever started this rule or trend or what ever it is, then I hope you stub your toe really bad. If you message someone and they respond you are apparently meant to ignore them for a little bit, I mean seriously, ignore them.
The idea is to ignore people you are interested in so that it doesn’t look like you are as interested as you actually are, with the hope they are as interested in you as you are them. To which, you both end up ignoring each other and then the doubt sets in and you convince yourself they aren’t actually interested.
I know, utter madness right? Right?!?
For example, a girl I matched with on tinder a few months ago came on quite strong, I am not really used to girls coming on strong to be honest but went with it, anyway I asked her for her number with in an hour or two of messaging, baring in mind she was blowing up my phone and it turns out that I am the weirdo and she told me she didn’t want to speak to me anymore for being too full on. I can’t remember the last time I was that confused ! haha. So yeah, never ask for their number, like ever, just wait until they volunteer it. If they don’t, well that sucks champ, chin up and move on!
The other thing to do is be patient, if they don’t message back then move on… or don’t and have the below result…
Danielle had either deleted Tinder or wasn’t impressed by my chat. Why didn’t she unmatch me? My problem is I need closure, I would much prefer someone to say Yes or No than to ghost me. Like come on, have some respect. I mean my polar bear ice breaker should of been enough!
Another thing to note, is that “super liking” is apparently a big No No, although Rosie above seemed to be okay with it, well until I spoke. Maybe just not okay with my weird opener with absolutely nothing to offer her in it. It wasn’t long before I was unmatched ! haha.
Now, we have scrutinised what my “dating game” is like, you might sit there and think sake Bry, theres more chance of winning the lottery than my ice breakers working!
Well lets compare shall we? Here are a couple of screen shots I have been sent, arguably, my competition if you will…
You might want to re-read that, digest it and let it sink in.
Its hard to know where to begin with this, there is so much to address! Firstly, “2K17”, oh Christian what are you doing mate? Much like MSN messenger, that tag line should be left in the past, along with all the other pre-pubescent memories. We don’t need telling its 2017, we all have a calendar.
The sentences look like a primitive translation of some sort of Spanish erotica novel from 30 years ago. He has promised too much up front, not to mention made the rest of the human population look bad. Now, the lady in receipt of this is very attractive however I am not too sure if she wants to be sent to heavenly bliss, or even what heavenly bliss is? Is that near Blackpool?
So this is apparently what I am up against, this dream guy who’s going to blow girls away by treating them like a goddess and yet, surprisingly, he got his messaged ignored as well! Maybe we are just all a bunch of serial ignorers? I think in this instance though, this chap is too much. Just in case you thought he was too good to be true, he mentions he is real – haha!
This guy is sliding in to girls DMs from Prison. Yup, from Prison. I have to say, I admire the guys confidence. Not only does he have access to POF and the internet, he even has his profile picture in the corner posing in prison. I love it. He even has the tenacity in his catch line below his name, “heavybars”, to say, ‘Catfish tramp yes you?’ Don’t message..’ which we call easily assume ends with, ‘me’.
Our man heavy bars is calling out catfishers from prison. Everything about this is brilliant. Everything!
One thing both these fellas have in common is how much they put people on a pedastool. Just chill, relax, don’t come on too strong or maybe its me who’s wrong? keep messaging, never stop, turn up at their front door? I guess its not for me to tell you to give up on your dreams…?
Another top tip is don’t be a stalker! By this, I mean don’t search for them on social media and find out everything about them before you even meet. Its not going to leave you much to talk about and its going to make it really awkward when they start talking about Aunts and you ask, “Janice or Jane” before she has even told you
Depending what dating app you are on, but if you match with someone with a mutual friend, do not find them on social media, its not healthy! Also, if all you have is a name and a place, don’t search them up on Facebook, its weird and creepy!
When it comes to trying to impress whoever it is you are talking to, an important thing to remember is to always be true to who you are. It is so easy to think about a response that the recipient might like but it will only blow up in your face when they meet you and realise that isn’t quite who you are. Its unintentional cat fishing, you just need to be you and if they aren’t in to you, then really thats their loss. You wouldn’t want to date anyone who isn’t right for you, regardless of how much you fancy them!
Apparently, it is still acceptable to DM people you don’t know, although what you break the ice with is kind of the definitive moment on if you get a response. Well that and if they fancy you.
I hope this works for everyone that aspires to captivate the attention of the one they fancy however, there has to be a line, a hint, a metaphorical giant red stop sign. This usually comes if they don’t message you back, especially if they have read your message and not responded.
Its okay to like all their pictures and hope that they might embrace your support and throw you an olive branch but when you are constantly DM-ing them with no response, they you got to move on…unlike the following poor soul who hasn’t quite got the hint yet!
Curtesy of a friend!
Not sure this poor chap really picked up on the hint!
I think trying to find someone in the current digital age, were we are all glued to our phones, needing immediate information and immediate responses, its going to be difficult. There is always going to be something better, or at least you might think you can see something better. This “grass is greener” outlook, were we think there could be something better around the corner is what is degrades the integrity of dating and ultimately brings out the worse in us by tricking us.
I can remember ten years ago when it wasn’t even a concept to look up a girl I might know or be friends of friends with by searching through her personal information and pictures online. You would have to do it the old fashioned way and made sure you happened to be in the same pub/bar as her and pluck the courage to go and say hello!
My advice would be to anyone to try to meet people in the real world, chance talking to someone in a coffee shop, maybe try out a new hobby and see if anyone is there, hell, if you see someone you like in the street, approach them. Be polite, explain they caught your eye. It won’t be for everyone but. you don’t know if you don’t try and never give up!
Just do you, keep your mind open and who knows whats around the corner!
If you want any more “tips”, which is more of, “don’t do what Bry did”, DM me or if you want any advice at all, I am always here.
Ultimately the guy or girl you like, doesn’t like you back so buy your self some pets and become some sort of edgy animal whisper. Dogs are a safe bet, a dog will never stop loving you and they will give you more than enough attention! haha
In the mean time I have a hot date with Blue Planet 2!