About nine months ago I decided to start playing football again. There was a slight problem, after years of binge drinking at uni combined with my diet, or arguably the opposite of a diet and terrible fitness meant I wouldn’t be much good. Sunday league football is a bit of a blood bath and very competitive. Quite the dilemma.
I wanted to join a competitive team were I could develop my fitness, so I could eventually be of value but didn’t want the embarrassment of the level of my ability at that time. Searching the wonders of the web for local teams, which I might add is harder than you think, I stumbled across The Mersey Marauders on GumTree.
Now to my surprise, this was a LGBT team. My surprise being that I didn’t know such a team existed or I guess was necessary.
I thought this was perfect! Every gay lad I had met was really nice and to be honest quite funny, plus I hoped it would be competitive. I would be lying if I didn’t think I would be immediately better than them, to which, I certainly wasn’t.
The Mersey Marauders are a typical group of lads that want to play and win football matches with maybe a bit of a fruit twist in the mix. The standard ranges from okay to should probably play semi pro.
All of them were really welcoming and a good laugh. I immediately was happy with my decision. After a few weeks, the more I got to know them, the more I started to enjoy playing football with them. I used to think why there were separate leagues and cups to the local teams. I guess then I started to think about known premier league footballers who had not come out and the animosity around it. All this started to leave me feeling a little ignorant. What’s the big deal, it’s 2016 I thought? Why is being Gay/Bi even a thing, an issue, a talking point, why does it matter? Why is it any different than being straight ?
The answer is, it doesn’t matter and people shouldn’t care.
Now, all that aside, I will be honest. There’s been some funny moments, well funny for me. I think the first thing that I found funny was learning about the nicknames for the type of gay you can be; A twink, cub, bear etc. Each one is a type of lads appearance, like a twink is a slim pretty young lad.
I know what you are thinking, I thought the same and no, straight lads don’t do this about girls.
The funniest moment in my time with the Mersey Marauders was playing Leicester away.
Due to the lack of LGBT teams in the U.K. It means there is a lot of travel for away games in the league or cup. Leicester away was a glum-rainy cold day with a pitch that could only be described as a slip and slide. Now usually after football I wouldn’t shower with the lads and this isn’t because they are gay, I never used to when I played in straight teams. Make of that, what you will.
Both teams covered in mud it finished 5-0 Leicester. We got bummed, metaphorically. Both teams made their way to the external changing rooms only to find the hot water wasn’t working. This meant, that we had to all use the same larger changing room in the main college building. I won’t lie, this left me slightly nervous, it shouldn’t but you can maybe understand why!
I walked in to a 30 man filled changing room full of banter. I went straight to the far corner and realised they were communal showers.
Communal showers. I thought, Fucking hell. I’m covered in mud, I can’t travel back covered in mud. I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting a shower with my best mate let alone this scenario. I was sweating. Until, the relief I noticed a shower cubicle with a door.
At this point some of the lads had clocked my anxiety and little Pete had started teasing me. The little shit. It wasn’t long before most of the team had clocked and decided to make the most of it, Come on Bry, you not getting a shower? Do you have a tiny cock, scared to get it out? I bet you have.
To be fair to the lads, it must of been hilarious and I deffinetly saw the funny side of it, as I nervously tried to laugh it off!
I don’t really help myself, I have forgotten to mention that I turn up to training with a pink baseball cap and Cher – Believe blasting out of my car stereo!
When I had finished in the shower I realised I would now need to figure out how to dry off and get changed with out Pete or Chase managing to glance a look at any of the goods! The slipping my boxers on with my towel on worked a treat. I felt like I was 14 and back at school after PE all over again 😩🤦🏼♂️
Naturally they knew what I was up to and played up to it. Afterwards everyone went for a quick pint before the drive back.
Christmas, Football and a Gay bar crawl…
I wonder how many people have been on a gay pub crawl, well that’s what our Christmas Football night out was and boy, what an eye opener! I am not sure what I really expected but it was a spectrum of Lads! Lads! Lads! (Banter), lots of guys necking and me getting started on!
It began in the club sponsored bar, The Lisbon. Typical group of lads sat in a boozer playing pool and having a laugh. Nothin out of the ordinary. As the evening got later, everyone a bit more beer fuelled, things began to change. It began to get competitive, like, who could bring the fittest lad over to the table and such. It was funny.
When the time for beer had come to an end and liqueur had started we already in some jam packed two store bar called the Postehouse. £2 Jaeger Bombs and it was jam packed! We didn’t stay long as no one could really bare the pushing and shoving of such a tiny crowded bar. I’m not sure of the next bar but boy oh boy was Superstar Boudoir something else!
Every cliche you could ever expect from an LGBT night was in full force. Fair play though, the LGBT community certainly know how to put on a show! At some point during the night I was loving life on the stage with the lads singing my heart out and dancing away! Nobody judging me or thinking I’m weird because let’s face it, dancing around isn’t really socially accepted if you are a lad. I spotted a beautiful girl in the corner of the bar and with no time to waste off I went.
I walked straight up to her and introduced myself. Told her she was beautiful and asked if her friend was gay. She burst out laughing and he said no. Now because she was laughing, I started laughing and just assumed he was a gay friend. I then asked for her number and if she would let me take her out some time.
Now to this friend of hers, I must of looked brace or stupid because he wasn’t happy. Not a single bit. In fact he became really aggressive and it turned out that I was trying to chat up his girlfriend.
All in all, the night was a really good laugh, I do think I must of stood out like a soar thumb though!
Today was a friendly for the current Mersey against the old Mersey. Naturally, you could find me on left wing with the legendary shirt #37. Left wing I might add, is ambitious for my fitness.
The game finished a draw with the young Mersey snatching a win on Penalties 😁😎
The LGBT community really is a friendly one, so if you fancy playing football you should come down and join us on a Tuesday at training!
One thought on “Straight, in The Mersey”
Shy to shower in a crowd, it must be really tiny!!!